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Aging Well
Parenting the Second Time Around
Your children are grown and married. Toilet training, sleepovers and teacher conferences are not even on your radar screen. You never expected to start it all again at age 50 or 60—but a growing number of grandparents choose to do just that.
“Many step in to provide day care when the parents are working,” says Pat Fuisz, R.N., clinical nurse specialist in psychiatry at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “In cases where the parents have health or other problems, the grandparents actually may take custody of the children.”
Marie and Roger Dionne moved from New Jersey to Easton five years ago to care for their three grandchildren, Nathaniel (age 12), Julia (9) and Joseph (6). They live in the same neighborhood as their son and daughter-in-law, Jeffrey and Abby Dionne, both of whom have busy careers.
Before school, the children eat breakfast with their grandparents. After school, Marie, a former elementary school teacher, supervises homework. “We moved here to make life less hectic for our son and daughter-in-law and the kids,” she says. But there have been benefits to the grandparents as well. “My grandchildren keep me young,” she says. “When I’m with them I don’t focus on my little aches and pains, and these kids are just a hoot!”
Rewarding as it may be, caring for your grandchildren shouldn’t be under-taken lightly, Fuisz says. “You still may be enjoying success in your career—or if you’re retired, enjoying activities and travel. It’s hard to give all that up, whether you provide day care or assume full parental responsibility. If your own child is an irresponsible parent, the issues are even more difficult.”
Despite the challenges, grandparents are uniquely well-equipped to take on new roles, says Francis Salerno, M.D., chief of geriatric medicine at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “Experience has taught older people how to adapt to change,” he says. “Most are willing to give up some comfort to make a difference in a grandchild’s life.”
From the child’s point of view, he says, grandparents can have a very positive influence. “They have wisdom and per-spective, and often have more time to listen to children than their busy parents.”
Whether your grandchildren live with you (as 6.3 percent of children in the United States now do) or you just care for them regularly, here are some things to consider.
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Take your health into account. “Caring for kids demands energy and physical agility,” Salerno says. “Be realistic about your abilities before you make the commitment. If you have a chronic illness like arthritis, it may prevent you from doing a good job.”
The Dionne family took a thoughtful approach to this issue. Before he entered kindergarten, little Joseph went to day care so Marie and Roger, both in their 70s, were not taxed beyond their energies with caring for a toddler.
Once you do take on the responsibility, Salerno says, don’t neglect regular exercise and healthy eating. It’s important for your stamina and also to fend off disease. Older adults are more susceptible to viruses children bring home from school.
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Brush up on parenting skills. “Many things about child-rearing are different from when you were raising your children,” says Kelly Costello, M.D., pediatrician at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. For example, toilet training takes place later these days, there are more immunizations, and time outs have replaced spankings. And many grandparents aren’t familiar with research findings that babies should sleep on their backs, not their stomachs, to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
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Make sure you’re all on the same wavelength. If you provide day care, communication and cooperation with the parents are essential. “Continuity is important for kids, ” Costello says. “Keep the child’s regular nap and bed times. Discuss meals, treats, outings and discipline. If the parameters change constantly or if there’s disagreement, it’s very confusing for the child.”
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Get help with finances. Many couples who rely on grandparents for child care reimburse them, just as they would a day care center. But when the parents aren’t in the picture, it’s often a different story. “Being a custodial grandparent can be a financial nightmare, especially for retirees on a fixed income,” Salerno says. Simply finding affordable health insurance is often an issue. “Older people value their independence, but in this case you need to ask for help,” he says. “Check with social service agencies, and don’t be too proud to ask other family members.”
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Take breaks from each other. Find activities for the children, whether it be play groups, story hour at the library, gym class or a music program. The Dionne children spend several weeks at day camp each summer. “It sure is quiet and lonely here when they’re away,” Marie says, “but I know it’s good for them, and it gives us a break.”
She’s right on both counts. From the pediatrician’s point of view, “kids need to interact with other kids,” Costello says. “And grandparents need some time off to pursue their interests and be with other adults,” says Salerno, the geriatrician.
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Nurture your spiritual side. In the middle of daily struggles, it helps to focus on the larger picture. “The whole act of stepping in to care for a child is a spiritual commitment,” Salerno says. “Grandparents do it because they love their grandchildren and want to help them grow up well.”
Want to Know More about providing day care or just being a good grandparent?
Call 610-402-CARE.
This page last updated 2/12/08 04:08 PM
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